The First Date

So after about two months of grieving the life that was never to be, a dear friend of mine suggested on line dating, something I will confess that I use to mock and thought I would never do in a million years.

Then I realised, I am not in my twenties anymore and when I looked around everyone my age was married and all starting to have babies. "Bugger!" I thought when I realised this isn't going to be like it was, something has changed.  I'm older, pretty cynical and had reached 'The Next Phase.'

The problem is when you are younger there is so much opportunity to meet new people, you go to the pub with a massive group of mates where you are use to socialising and chatting to the unknown....but just like I had once done they had all now paired off, and there was no 'big group' left to go out with in the same way.

I had literally not been out socially in about a year, my confidence was through the floor and worst of all I had got F-A-T, dressing for the evening usually involved finding the biggest bag in my wardrobe to sit on my lap to hide the extra 3 and a half stone of 'me' I had acquired whilst sitting at home sulking and waiting on my idiot ex to sort himself out... I seriously have a years worth of photo's where every picture I look like I am constantly photo bombing myself with the "Bag Invader!"

 More importantly when you're younger and carefree you do not ask yourself questions, you act now, think later allowing you to naturally fall in love. But...being female suddenly you do not have that luxury, there's this ticking time bomb of realisation, 'I cannot waste anymore time and effort with anymore jerks.' screams that annoying little voice in your head that would never admit to the world that you are scared of being an old bride or leaving it too late to have kids, suddenly you are at risk of becoming.... 'cat women.' and I for one do not want to be the smelly old cat lady that children point at and go  "oooh look at the creepy old lady and her cats, I bet she'll put a curse on you".... Ahhh apologies I'm digressing again aren't I?!....

Worst part of it all is I suddenly realise I have a blooming TICK LIST! AGGGGG!!! I have officially become all that I once dreaded and took the piss out of....

So here I am with my treasured 'bag invader,' no confidence, a distant lack of communication skills, a broken heart and now a bloody tick list.  

Looking back I wasn't exactly prime Internet dating fodder ha ha! Anyway I duly signed up to the site my friend suggested, but still at this point could not face posting a picture, the thought of people I knew seeing my fall from 'love grace' was still to raw to deal with. In truth at the time I felt mortified and rejected by it all, but I was ensured and encouraged by tales of people finding their 'soul mate' made me think "ahh why not," if anything maybe it will restore my faith back in men a little.

I curiously searched through the site, looking for the type of guy I would like to go on a date with, I quickly realised this would be a near impossible task for me as I actually do not go on looks and more on personality... or so I thought. You will hear more about my weird teeth fixation soon....

This was to be the only time I went 'online' in about two months, then something happened, another weekend sitting at home alone, I still have no idea what changed that Sunday morning but BAM! Before I knew it I had signed in looked around, and was chatting to this really normal looking and sounding guy that lived about 15 miles from me. His picture was of him in a nice little jumper sitting have a beer with a friend, nice smile, nice eyes.. just well... nice. His profile drew me even closer as he explained how he was simply looking for a nice girl and not after 'just a one night stand, a girl to go for walks with and enjoy each others company.' "what could go that wrong?" I thought as we exchanged numbers, I sent him my face and before I knew it we were meeting up later that day for coffee.... Que panic attack central!

One shower and 10 dress changes later... I was ready for battle, it was very hot so I wore an understated plain maxi dress, wearing my spanx to hold the extra 'me' in. (Believe me nothing beats the awful feeling of walking into town having to adjust your spanks every 5 seconds,) but for the first impression it had to be worth it, surely?!

So we had arranged to meet at the very classy setting of outside Boots in the local shopping centre..(no stranger danger for me thank you!) As I came down the escalator I saw no one who looked like the picture. To keep my composure and not look like I had got there early I went into Boots and bought some water, then fear struck out of the blue like a lightening bolt as the cashier brightly cheaps, "such nice weather! Doing anything nice?" I look shifty as I politely smile and says "no, no.. nothing really, just meeting a..a...erm..a.. frrrriieeeeend?" The words caught in my throat and we look confused holding the gaze a little to long as we both notice my hands shaking and I'm sweating??!!.... 'what is going on? Be normal Diana for God's sakes' I think trying to reasure myself... 'okay breathe.... look calm... calm thoughts'...

As I look up realising the poor lady is still waiting for me to enter my pin, obviously wondering why I'm acting like such a weird freak, I try and laugh and make some joke about 'how they really should turn the heating down in here' but only get through half my sentence as she half smiles back catching the security guards eye...GET A GRIP.

As I flap out of the shop the security man on his walky talkie drifts away as I notice this beautiful man over 6 ft standing there, but.... my first reaction may not be necessarily what you would expect.." Shit, he's hot....this is not a good thing" runs round head. I had tried to meet just a normal man and now I was faced with the prospect of this complete hotty, it was all too much for my little brain to cope with. I found my hand groping around in my bag for my phone trying to think who I could drop call for 'that special emergency.'

An awkward walk to the park later (fiddling with your spanx on the down low is harder than I had ever anticipated.) So the guy may be beautiful but rule one on my tick list...MUST HAVE CONVERSATION.

This guy had none at all, he looked disappointingly down at me, like when you buy a sausage roll and you start to eat it and it's all roll and no sausage....I am just over a mere 5 ft and his melting sky blue eyes looked on bored as hell.

When we reach the park, he buys me an ice cream, then the virtual non conversation turns into painstaking torture called 'word extraction'....

"So tell me about yourself"

"I go to the gym and work"

"Oh brilliant, what work do you?

" It's boring just Internet stuff"

"Okay..  erm what do you do outside of work?"

"I don't, I just go to the gym and work"

"oh..."

I ask many questions to which I receive mainly one word answers, eventually I say to him, "are you finding this as awkward as me?" and he apologises explaining how he is very hungover and the sun is hurting his head, so I make the suggestion to go to a local pub... phew! maybe it's not me then.....well until he makes some jibe about how I'm not quite as my picture but I'm still attractive.... oh well that's okay then.... Nob Head

Another short awkward stroll later we reach a quiet old man kind of pub, 'lets give this one last chance then' says the ever eternal optimist in my head. He gets me a little half pint whilst he goes for a G&T and we sit down in a quiet corner.

Now this next part is not for the faint hearted so if you are easily shocked, I would definitely not read on:

The G&T obviously held some kind of mystical power as he suddenly awakens.....leaning across the table he whispers.....

"I can't really hear you, will you sit next to me?"
Naive I know, but I'm actually pretty deaf so this did not seem like such a stupid question at the time, so I shuffle around next to him once again pulling at my spanx as I sit down.

He then looks me square in the eyes and says "How important is sex to you in a relationship?" " Oh important, obviously" I reply slightly taken a back but trying to ooze cool.....

"I like sex....a lot" he purrs back at me..."and I think you and me could have a lovely little arrangement here"

"Really????!!!!! are you flipping kidding me?" I'm thinking... I look at him whilst still trying to hold onto my wavering composure and ask what he means...

"well I'm here 3 nights a week, I don't want a relationship but I want someone I can have fun with... you know what I mean by....fun?"

"Erm... are you asking me to be your... fuck buddy?" I murmer back.

"yes, you're a very....sexy girl" At this point he pulls me up close by the waist and starts rubbing at my spanx protected belly..

" I really like a girl with a bit of meat on their bones..'this' is sexy" as he starts grabbing a handful of my belly and wiggling it about. I paw him off and attempt to move away but like a spider caught in web it was too late and before I know it he's shoving his tongue right down my throat and has grabbed my hand and put it on his (excuse my language) erect cock and mutters...

" I bet you'd like this in you, wouldn't you, you dirty girl....you seem like the type who likes all sorts of bad things done to them......"

As I'm desperately trying not to freak out and keep some composure, I note two locals standing at the bar looking on  gesticulating with "go on son" hand signals... great, I am now old man porn too.

Mr Face Rape is now sucking my neck and seeing my boobs as some kind of 'hand' fun fair ride, I try and remove them only to get repaid by another visitation of tongue sandwhich. I am also starting to wonder if he owns more than one pair of hands as they just keep coming at me from all directions, I felt under attack by him and his  'army' baa haa haa... sorry bad joke...

By this point it was all too much for me, I just froze, I went limp and simply well froze, it was all very strange a bit like a rabbit in headlights... he suddenly stopped and must have clocked the look of sheer horror on my face....he offers another drink, I'm by this point a blethering mess. I could not quite compute what had just happened...he retracts this offer with some story about how he needs to help a mate in town.

My brain suddenly clicks in.... "yes I have a mate I need to help out too...."

"It was er.... lovely to meet you," I utter as I grab my belongings and swiftly exit the pub to a round of applauds from my old man 'audience.'

"Christ almighty" Is all I could think as I walked to my friends, when she picks up the phone all I can mutter is... "I think it went well???!!".....when she finally gets the whole story out of me she just simply crys with laughter.......

It did make me realise how precious conversation is no matter how pretty they are. So defintely build up some kind of rapport before going on a date and to be honest there was apart of me that thought it was nice to be seen as sexy by a man, even if he did grabbed my belly...oh and was a complete and utter nob head.


Over and out for now!


Dating Diana xxx